Living Solo magazine had the opportunity to visit with Margaret Becker in Nashville, TN a short time ago.  We were interested to learn more about her life story.  As a Christian single adult she has made her mark on the Contemporary Christian Recording scene – as a recording artist, song writer and now as a producer.  Margaret states she feels fortunate to have been reared in a Christian home with godly parents.  She gave her heart to Jesus Christ at an early age; and she believes this has spared her from many of the heart-wrenching experiences that many young people face when they are not seeking to be a devoted follower of Christ.  She remembers when she was maturing from a teenage girl into a young woman, around the age of seventeen or eighteen, “ I began to ask the deeper questions of my own life.   Of course that included my faith; and that’s when I began to recognize this faith that I had been studying my whole life would really be an umbrella overall.  Not only did I completely believe it, and not only was I completely sold out to it, I also would base my vocation on it.” 

Music has always been a part of Margaret’s life when one day she realized that everything she was writing was through the template of her faith.  In other words, she did not set out to become a Christian recording artist; but it turns out that as an artist, her Christian faith permeated everything she did as an artist.  Back in New York, where Margaret is originally from, she was being told that on the modern pop scene there was not a market for her kind of music. It was about 1979 she remembers being told by George W. Weiss – “a really huge songwriter of our time” – that he thought there was a whole industry being built on “ this Jesus music stuff and you might want to check it out.”  So for the next seven years Margaret sought after this market in Christian music, but continued to struggle in Long Island - the whole time trying to figure out what God’s calling in her life was.  After years of soul searching, she decided to move to Nashville, TN  (Music City) and see if she could make a living with her music.  In her own way she made “a fleece” with God and asked for a sign. She asked if this was His will she make it in the Music Industry with Christian music, that she would have some kind of deal or contract within six months.  “I got my first record deal actually within three weeks.  So, for me this was a big sign that I was to stick around.”

We asked Margaret what life was like as a Christian single adult in the world of Contemporary Christian music.  She explains,“ I think in a sense it is really a good and a bad thing. The good thing is you get a lot of affirmation - which I think a lot of times as a single, you don’t have somebody constantly there reminding you what’s good about you.  The downside is the fact most of the affirmation comes from strangers and is very conditional.  If you happen to align with the present tastes of the time, you get a lot of affirmation.  But, if you’re not aligning with those present taste – whatever they may be – then the affirmation goes away.”   This hot and cold relationship can cause some people to get out of balance.  If you take all the praise to heart and let it go to your head, then you get out of balance.  If you take all the critiques to heart you can struggle with your self-worth and become out of balanced.  To keep balanced you have to keep returning to the Lord and “returning to the true mirror which I would call. . . gazing into Christ’s perfect law and His standard of what a good person is and what a beautiful person is and what a lovely person is”, and knowing that our worth and value comes from our relationship with Christ – not on how people feel we are performing.

Margaret admits coming to terms with being single had its moments of struggle. In a book that she recently completed, called Braving the Elements, Margaret talks about taking stock of her life and learning to live from her gifting outward. 

What inspired the book was from a series of conversations that she had with a close friend.   Margaret explains, “I was actually sitting down with a friend who is also a counselor and telling her kind of my unhappiness about - you know, how I am just so jealous of people who are actually able to make a union, and make it work.  We talked through all the issues  that have to do with the feelings of loneliness, the feelings of not being able to build something with someone, and not having someone that can lift the load a little bit.  At the end of our time together she said, ‘Margaret, I want you to write down what your perceptions are about your needs in a relationship.  What do you need?’  She then told me to categorize them from what I felt was most important to least important. So I wrote down my perceptions — emotional intimacy, a sense of belonging to a family, and physical intimacy.  The next time we got together she said, ‘now, for your next assignment, I want you to pray that God will show you how He is meeting those needs right now.’   So that is what I did – I prayed for the next several weeks.  It was interesting that names were coming to my head; all of a sudden I realized how many people had attempted to set me in their family; but, I resisted, because I thought this is not my real family, so I can’t really invest here…I’m holding out for my family.

As for as emotional intimacies, God started to show me how many relationships and  friendships I  have had for twenty years or so that I had let go.  It was me that was choosing not to invest because I kept thinking that my real life had not really started – that someday I would marry and my real life would start then. 

It became apparent the Lord was showing me that He was meeting my needs and desires - in every single area except for physical intimacy.  And, of course, I can’t have that as a Christian single to the degree that a married person can.  Every single area the Lord brought names to my mind, and I saw how He had been giving me provision; but, I had not been plugging in. 

Yes, there are difficulties; but, my point is God does provide.  Realizing that my relationships with close friends, grants a since of family.  By me investing in close relationships gives me the emotional intimacy that I had desired.  And yes, I still have to deal with the area of physical intimacy, but having friends where I don’t have to battle loneliness, sure helps me see how much God is providing for me.”

In keeping with our theme for this issue, we asked Margaret to define wisdom.  “ I think wisdom is when a person understands how to apply God’s principles to practical situations in life.”  We were curious and wanted to know if Margaret had anyone she looked up to that has helped in her quest to be wise.  “Of course my parents - I love them dearly.  My mom is really not doing well.  And my father, he is just amazing  - he’s one of my personal heroes.  But for the most part, I’ve always been sort of a firsthand learner.  There are some areas in my life I wish I did have someone to talk to - especially in my career.  Maybe that is why I now have such a passion to mentor young artists.”  With just a little prodding, Margaret started to open up a little about the growth process she had to experience to become so wise and savvy in an industry that can use you up and drop you like an unwanted rock.  “About eight years ago, I went away for a personal retreat.  I was going through something I didn’t quite understand cause I was very, very successful; but, I felt very, very empty.  And so I put my whole life on hold for a month, and I went away and just literally got lost on the shore of Florida during the winter, and nobody was there.  I didn’t even know how to start praying.  As time started to pass, the Lord started to show me in the past that I had allowed Him to direct my path.  Then somehow it became inverted, and life was out in front of me, and I was running to chase after it.  That’s not His plan.  His plan is for us to be proactive and forward thinking.  One way or another, I had let other people make big decisions for me; they would place their goals in my life.  And my goals all of a sudden became dangerously merged with their goals; but they were not truly my goals, they were their goals.  And the truth of the matter is, if you don’t have any personal goals, then someone will be very glad to give you some of theirs.   At that point in my life, I did not have anyone to mentor me.  Someone who would let me know  if I was making not-so-wise choices.  I just had to work all that out by myself.  One of the things that came from that is, I felt like the Lord was telling me He had a lot more for me to do, and  in order for me to do it, I had to let go of being a ‘personality’.  Being a personality is a fulltime job.  Making records and touring is not so bad; but if you have to be a personality on top of that, that is an around-the-clock job.  It’s consumptive and it benefits a lot of people; but, hardly ever the person who is being the personality.  It’s more of an illusion; and if a person is not careful it begins to define you.  I had to come to a very hard decision about who and what I was supposed to be.  Was I going to let the industry define me or was I going to allow God to redefine me and help me set my goals.  One thing that I discovered is, as a single adult, I must plan – even if I feel like waiting.  Waiting on what?  Waiting on marriage to begin life.  Singles must plan for things such as a place to live for retirement  by making good investments.  We have to plan as if no one is coming along and allow God to interrupt the timeline when He so desires.  But to wait and put life on hold or let others define you until that ‘right person’ comes along is absolutely irresponsible.  Remember, God is a God of provision and we must move forward; because every moment that goes by is lost forever.   For me, I felt like God was telling me, I’ve given you all these resources and you’re using them for you.  So while on that retreat I began just writing out my dreams and goals, because I realized I did not have a plan.  I had no idea what I wanted life to look like for me in 10 years, 20 years and 30 years from now.   It’s odd, because, once I settled where I was going, it really freed up my present moment and I was no longer running here and there with no meaning.  Remember, God can only be experienced in the present moment, and seeking His direction in my future gave me the freedom to enjoy Him in the present.

I set a template for my life.  When opportunities now come my way, I will ask  myself if they fit into the template.  If something does not fit into the template, then I say no.  Actually, when I came back a lot of things blew up.  People were asking ‘why are you saying no?’  And I would have to explain that I have to be a good steward of my time.

Another thing that came from that experience is I felt the Lord was showing me people who have children have a sense of passing time; so they have a sense of growing older and a sense of getting wiser.  With this they have a sense of having more authority because they are raising children; so they are looked to as the authority.  But, single people miss that experience.  So it’s easy to remain immature in that area, not knowingly so – but nevertheless they do not grow wiser as they grow older.  As a single without children, I am not responsible for anybody but myself.  But when I came to terms with this, I realized that I do have a responsibility to others and that is to be a mentor.

I felt like God told me to stop being a personality.  I would still have my music, but I needed to reorganize my priorities.   So I deliberately cut back my road life and started being at home more.  Then an amazing thing happened.  There are some young girls on my street who live on the same cul-de-sac.  Because I was home, they started to visit with me more.  I became the person they wanted to hang with.  I was the person they started telling stuff to and allowing me to pray with them.  I have known and prayed for these girls since they were babies, and now at eleven and twelve, God is allowing me to have a direct influence in their lives.  I now get invited to all the functions and school activities just like an aunt or other close relative would.  Now it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it’s incredibly great and fulfilling.

On a bigger level than that, I felt like the Lord wanted me to take all the things that I had to learn the hard way and invest in a new crop of artists.  God is rising up the next generation of Christian artist, and I believe He wants me to invest my life into them and try to protect them.  It is interesting for me now because managers and record companies will say things like, ‘Hey, would you be willing to talk to so and so, or will you be willing to stop by and lead a Bible study for us.  I am mentoring young artist (both single and married).  We talk about things like the first day of their career to possibly the last day of their career in the music industry.”

We asked Margaret to explain her personal mission statement.  She said it was to “encourage and empower people.”  For her that means she is to be a conduit that leads people to Christ – whether that is through her music, writing, speaking or befriending two girls who live on the same block.  It is also apparent that Margaret loves being a mentor to young artist.  “Yes – I love it, and here’s why.  Because it fits the template and it allows me to encourage and empower a lot of local artist.  Is not that what our Christianity is suppose to be? – transcending into the culture  that we live in by using our gifts and talents”.  It is apparent to us at Living Solo that her gifts are in the area of encouragement and her talent is defiantly in the area of music and song writing.  She is really enjoying her work behind the scenes with some of the new artist as she also helps produce some of their projects.  Margaret believes all Christians are personally gifted, and we need to live life out of that giftedness.  Now you may have to be a “tent maker”, meaning you might have to work in a secular job in order to provide for your financial means, but even in our jobs, we are to use our gifts to point people to Christ.  She goes on to clarify , “ You must exist within the system, but at the same time move throughout the system with passion.” 

To summarize our time with Margaret Becker, this is what we heard her say; As a single adult, don’t try to be something that you are not; don’t put life on hold while you wait for someone to come along;  know that you can live a fulfilled life as a single person; be sure to set goals and have a plan for your life knowing that plans can change - but to not have a plan will lead you nowhere - and discover what your gifts are and live life with passion, and you will prove to be wise beyond your years.

(Printed from Volume 7 - Issue 4 - Fall 2003)

  Dianne Swaim

My Divorce Hurts Worse At Church

Today, as I stood at the foyer door of the church, my heart pounded as if I had scaled a mountain. The aisle down to the front stretched out before me much longer in my mind than it did in reality. The flowers were beautiful and the sanctuary was full of people. The organ was playing softly, but the sound nearly exploded in my head.  I just wasn’t sure I could do it.

This was not my wedding day. Today was the first Sunday I had come to church following my marital separation. Beside me stood my two children, sweaty hands in mine. I could sense their hesitation and fear. Looking ahead toward a possible seat, I could only see enough space for three near the front in the center. Wouldn’t you know it? As we started to slowly move toward that pew, I could see what appeared to be hundreds of couples, each with his arm behind her on the pew, or lightly resting on her shoulder. No doubt my perception was skewed, but then everything in my life seemed out of kilter at the moment.

Eleven years earlier I had begun the long walk down a similar church aisle with somewhat the same fear. I didn’t really know what lay ahead then, and I certainly didn’t now. But somehow it had been different. On that day years before, there was a sense of anticipation. It wasn’t mine. I had serious doubts running through my heart and mind. If I could have found the nerve to turn around and run, I would have. But the friends and family present, the church members who loved me, eagerly looked toward my future for me. They believed in me and in the man I was marrying. They loved us both and were there in support of our vows. None of them knew that I was so afraid I was making a monumental mistake. Who could I tell?

However, even with my doubts, the wedding day procession had forced me to be caught up in the excitement of the event. I told myself as I walked down that aisle with all heads looking toward me that God would fix this. Something was terribly wrong, but it was not anything that God and I couldn’t handle together. Again, as I stood beside my groom and repeated my vows I thought, “God wanted me to marry this man. He will make it work. I just know He will.”  Besides, I felt beautiful, and the loving looks and comments as we stood in the receiving line confirmed my feelings.

Today was so different, so very different. The church was a different one. My husband pastored the one we had to leave. So even though the people here did not know me, I fancied that if they did they would not want me walking down that aisle. Today there was no anticipation, no support. I didn’t feel beautiful, rather I felt like I had a disease, and it showed up in boils or a severe rash. I felt just as conspicuous as if I were wearing a wedding dress and walking down the aisle. But I wasn’t wearing a wedding dress. Instead, I was wearing my broken heart on my face, and believed that, all one had to do was look at me and they would see it. Even more glaring was the big “D” I was wearing on my forehead. Surely everyone saw it, I thought.

Maybe my worst realizations were coming to reality as I walked down the long aisle this day. God had not fixed this marriage! Eleven years of misery confirmed in my mind that I had failed God, but somehow in my warped perceptions, I also felt that God had failed me. So that defined who I was, walking into the church this day – a failure, not only as a wife, but as a Christian.

I had grown up in the church, always active and always a leader. When I was five years old, I had won the church, district, region and state storytelling contests and was the darling of the congregation. At age thirteen I had begun to play the organ for my church, and served as a church accompanist from that time forward. As a child I believed that God was calling me to be a pastor’s wife, and I had dutifully set out to find and marry a preacher. Mission accomplished. In each of the three congregations we had served, someone had said, “You’re the best pastor’s wife we’ve ever had,” and I relished in the knowledge that I was serving God as He had intended. My two children were excitedly welcomed into the world by church members, and were spiritually and lovingly nurtured in their preschool and elementary years.

Today all of that was gone. I was starting over. But not starting over with the same choices and the same opportunities. Now I faced myriad challenges, ones that I knew I could not handle alone. I had two children and they had suffered enough. I must provide a loving home for them, and keep a roof over their heads with limited child support. And, they desperately needed a good church home, one with understanding Sunday School teachers and friends whose parents would support their budding new friendships.

I needed … I wasn’t sure what I needed. My mind would not focus and my thoughts whirled in my head. I knew who I had been in the past – preacher’s daughter, faithful church member, pastor’s wife, caring mother, church organist, Sunday School teacher, mission group leader, youth minister – but I couldn’t reclaim most of these positions for the bare fact that I was no longer a wife. One important, but damaged, facet of my life had forever changed my place in the church. The two most important areas of my life were so intertwined that serving in one would be forever barred because of failure in the other.

This story is my personal one, but it is not unique. It is a part of my history, having taken place twenty-four years ago. But every Sunday there are hundreds of scenes such as this replayed by Christian men and women who are struggling to regain some sense of balance and meaning. They are inwardly bombarded by feelings of embarrassment, shame, fear, guilt, wounded pride and spiritual injury. They are Christian adults who have had a walk with God and have ministered in and through their churches. And then their personal lives disintegrated.

When I was walking through this journey, I was tempted to blame the church for my feelings. At first that seemed the natural thing to do because I could not bear any further self-examination.  However, one day when I was beginning another complaint with the words, “the Church…,” God very clearly spoke to my spirit, “Dianne, you are the church. You are as much a part of the church as any other member. You can’t blame the church. You must help change the church.” That was the end of my unjustified tirade against the church. It was not the end, however, of my justifiable disappointment. I have come to see that there are truly two sides to the issue of estrangement between the church and the divorced.

On the one hand, most divorced Christians are their own worst enemies. Whether or not they bore the brunt of responsibility for the failed marriage, their self-talk will convince them that they do not deserve to be forgiven and do deserve to take a back seat in their church. And, if their inner voices do not convince them, there are plenty of other voices willing to take up the cause. These are the voices of pastors, parents, conservative church members and even written church doctrine. So, to be accommodating to their denominational values imbedded since early days, they project that they are not welcome and can no longer serve in lay or ordained ministry. Sadly, many give up and either attend church in silent misery, or leave the church altogether.

The other aspect of justified disappointment comes from the very real prejudice and resulting doctrines regarding the divorced. What the divorced can no longer do in the church ranges from taking communion to playing the piano. In between these are taboos on teaching Sunday School, serving as a deacon, and certainly as a minister. On occasion, a divorced Christian is expunged and given full privileges because they were somehow proven to have biblical grounds (a concept I cannot find in Scripture). Should one admit, however, to the basic death of a marriage which did not involve sexual infidelity, their ministry wings are clipped forever.

So what about those newly divorced Christians standing in the foyer? Desperately wanting to walk in and be welcomed? Those single parents who urgently need a solid foundation for their children while their home foundations are temporarily cracked? What about the Sunday School teachers, youth workers, missionaries, staff members, or deacons? Must their title now be preceded by the word “former?”   We must decide. We are the Church!

(Printed from Volume 7 - Issue 4 - Fall 2003)

Dianne Swaim is a national speaker and a veteran of single adult ministry.  Her first book, entitled "My Divorce Hurts Worse At Church" is written from her own personal experience as well as from surveys and interviews from men and women who also have felt the pain of both a divorce and the isolation they felt from their church.

So, the question is, "How do I honor my mother"? I began answering this question during my teen years. I felt God convict me about my attitude toward her. I had been harboring hate in my heart. I had to give up my right to hate her for what she’d done. (I had to learn about forgiving her later.) While I couldn’t make her love and care for me, I found I could honor God by honoring her. I made a commitment - with God’s help - I’ve kept for the past 30 years. I committed myself to being the kind of Christian and the kind of daughter who would one day hear Christ say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Here are some of the practical ways I try to honor my mother. I always remember her on her birthday. At the least, I send a card. Often, I also phone her. I acknowledge her birthday every year, even though she has seldom remembered

mine.

Darlene Teague serves as the National Director of Resources and Single Ministries for The Wesleyan Church.  She is a graduate of Houghton College and Asbury Theological Seminary, and an ordained minister in The Wesleyan Church.

Living Single -Finding Joy

By Lanny Joe Burrnett

Boy oh boy, it’s really great to be single! Have you ever heard that statement before? Do you agree with it? If you believe what you see on TV and in the movies, then I’m sure you do. There are lots of commercials that show singles out on the town, making the bar scene, living it up. Having a wonderful time. Movies portray the single man as dashing, handsome, gifted, and overall, a combination of James bond and Michael Jordan. Single women are always successful, overachieving, well liked, beautiful, and overall, a combination of Julia Roberts and Maya Angelou. But wait a minute! This is the real world! As a single man, I can truthfully say that I was never able to see myself that way. And what if I did? I’m single. All that talent and looks

are wasted on me because I’m single. Why be intelligent if there is no one you care about to discuss things with? Why be good-looking if there is no one you care about to be seen

with? Why achieve success if there is no one you care about to enjoy it with?

These and other similar questions plagued me for years. I knew there was someone out there for me. The trouble was, I didn’t know if I would even recognize that person. I really didn’t even know where "out there" was. At first I thought it was in the nightclub scene. All that got me was headaches, a busted budget, broken engagements and tons of bad habits. With a truckload of good intensions, I headed for the nearest church. They had no single group, but what the heck, I could be a force to be reckoned with in the adult men’s class. As you have probably figured out by now, that didn’t work either. My attempts to take charge and impress all those married guys with my Christianity fell flat. I was still a single and still alone. I continued to blunder through life, trying hard to impress all who entered my orbit. I was one lonely endocrine system trying to cover the depression of being a single with arrogance and fake self-importance. What a drag!  By now I know that you are on the edge of your seat, wondering what changed me into the terrific guy I am today.

Well, to be brutally honest, I’m still not that handsome, dashing man that makes women pant and men envious. But I am different. I’m now happy. My life has purpose. I’ve found peace. I’m no longer alone, but guess what? I’m still single. What would you pay to know my secret? It can’t be

bought. It can’t be stolen, but it can be found. It’s free but you must pay the greatest price – you MUST put someone else first and yourself last. I know that doesn’t make much sense. We spend all our time trying to be the best; number one, the person everyone looks up to. This concept requires

us to cast aside years of training and advice. Is it hard to do? You bet it is. Anything worth acquiring requires sacrifice and work. Want to know my secret? I’m happy to share it with you.

My program only has three steps. Step one is "PUT GOD FIRST". Only when you do this can you attain your goals. If God is first in your life then you will volunteer for the RIGHT reasons. You will help others for the RIGHT reasons. You will attend church for the RIGHT reason. Step two is "PUT YOURSELF" last. When you quit doing things for your glory, you will not only do them better, you will feel better about yourself. Step Three is "GET TO WORK". Don’t offer to help with things that are "cool". Offer to help with things that need to be done. Work at becoming a good follower. (This will make you a true "God follower"). Learn to be a leader and wait until God calls you to lead. Work for God’s glory and not your own. Can you do this? The real question is, "Do you want to do this"? If you do, then God is ready. Ask Him for help. He’s been waiting patiently, but time on earth is short. In fact, it’s too short to experience another minute of misery. Find a church with a singles support group and be a part of it. Will your life get better? Absolutely! Will your life be perfect? No, but with God’s help it will be everything you always wanted it to be. God might even have that special someone for you. You will find joy beyond your wildest expectations and you can truthfully say, "Boy oh boy, it’s really great to be single"!

(Printed from Volume 7 - Issue 2 - Spring 2003)